I'm Tired

 

“I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time.”

Michael Clark Duncan in The Green Mile

 

I think about this clip from time to time and I’ve been thinking about it more lately.  As a young man, I watched this and felt the feelings they want you to feel when they make the movie but as I’ve gotten older, it’s not just feelings in the moment as much as I can almost feel what I believe he felt.

I’m tired.

Social media and the internet make me tired but it’s tough to turn away.  It’s tough because I find myself caring too much.  I find myself wanting to defend people I will never meet.  I find myself wanting to one up people who will never have any bearing on my life. 

In the last week or so, the internet has shown me the following:

·         Education about gender or sexuality in the school system is dangerous and criminal

·         Jesus was the first catholic

·         Drag queens are trying to recruit our kids

·         The only way to be safer is to have more guns; everyone needs them and should be armed at all times.

·         People being gunned down is just something you must deal with if you want freedom

·         To be “woke” is the supreme insult

·         Kid Rock shooting some beer is going to single-handedly bring down ABInBev.

You may see the above as hyperbolic, but I have read all of this. 

I see repeated attacks on LGBTQ kids and specifically trans kids and it sickens me.  I’m seeing a trampling of a woman’s right to control what happens to her own body.  I see every mass shooting being twisted to blame everything except for the access to and worship of guns in in the United States.

Close to home I see local message boards saying, “why does everything have to be rainbow” and “when’s the straight pride parade?”  I see two men being referred to as “not right” when they walk down the street holding hands. 

How did we get here?  How did we get so divided?  How have I had to block family members on social media because of hateful comments and regurgitated rhetoric?  How do young LGBTQ people think their only way to safety to just not be here anymore?

The easy answer is “Trump”, but it can’t be that simple, can it?  Is the hatred that we see today just the mob mentality of everyone jumping on board or is it deep rooted and just now being exposed? 

I have my theories on the right that once Roe v. Wade was overturned, they had to scramble for a new shiny red button to rally people around.  Obviously, it’s the drag queens and the Trans community that are now coming after your kids!  Vote for us and we won’t let that happen!

If I’m being honest though, I think what saddens me the most about everything that we are seeing is that it’s being done in Jesus’ name.  “God Fearing Folks” that want to follow the parts of the bible that prop them up and find ways to manipulate it to exclude people they don’t like or understand.  “True Christians” who understand that you need to have a side arm for Sunday service, and it would be best if someone was positioned with an assault rife.  I must have missed the part of the book where Jesus said, “If a man comes to your home or place of worship, it’s best to shoot him before anything else can happen.”

This world is a frightening place and despite my own best efforts it doesn’t seem to be getting better.  Gilead is a distinct possibility for many US states, and it seems like that’s what they’re trying for. 

As with much of my writing, I apologize if you’ve gotten this far looking for a neat answer because I don’t have one.  I don’t know how to fix what is happening in our world or how to put us on a different trajectory.

What I know more than anything though, is I’m tired.  I’m tired of people being ugly to each other as I quoted earlier.  I want to shut it off, but I also don’t want to be the one who didn’t fight.  So, for now, I’ll keep reading stories.  I’ll keep learning about people and their struggles, and I will keep trying to advocate for those who are being marginalized because that’s what Jesus would do.

But, through all of that, know that I’m tired.