Purity, Protection and Personality: A Father’s Struggle

 

In my area of Canada, school is finally heading back.  All of us have our fingers crossed for this to be the first time these kids have had a normal school year since 2018-19. 

As with all back-to-school time, a healthy (most of the time) mix of excitement and anxiety fill the air.  New schools and new friends while reconnecting with old friends you’ve missed over the summer.  I remember this time well and it’s interesting to see it through the eyes of my children now.

With back to school though comes the back-to-school shopping trip.  I’ve been involved in more than a few of these but as the kids get older, the opinions grow stronger and I apparently age lightyears by the minute because “nobody would wear that.”

Thus, brings me to the reason I’m finally getting back behind the keyboard. 

I was not raised in a strict household in regard to following religious dogma or anything specific surrounding dress and presentation.  We didn’t have any dances where daughters promised to remain chaste until their wedding day and we weren’t taught abstinence only in school.  Because of this, I assumed that the “Purity Culture” that I’ve read about didn’t affect me. 

It is only in conversations with my kids and wife that I am now realizing that I have some of that ingrained in me; and it’s in there deep.  I don’t know how to reconcile what my head knows about assault and harassment vs. what I feel about how men inherently are. 

I know that what a man thinks or does it is not a girl or woman’s responsibility.  I know that assault is not a product of “what was she wearing?” and that it can happen at any time.  I know that a middle school boy is going to be distracted by someone they’re attracted to regardless of what they wear.  I even know that if a teacher is distracted by clothing that is revealing but not offensive, that says much more about the work the teacher needs to do than it does about the child.

I know all of this, and I can logically process it in the abstract, or for someone else.

But I’m also a former middle school boy, current grown man (though some would debate that) and a father. 

I know the mind of that young boy. 

I know how distracted a grown man can be for better or worse.

As a father, I think that I have to protect my kids at all times.  And, while it’s not right, I feel a greater need to protect my daughter than I do my son in this area. 

I understand it’s probably a chauvinistic, patriarchal mindset but it’s not easy to shake.

I want my kids to be themselves and express themselves in a way that makes them feel good and confident.  I want them to have everything in this world, but I also want them to be safe doing it.

I also want clothing for kids that doesn’t look like they survived a bear attack or that they gave the bottom half of the shirt away.

Reach for the sky.

Now touch your toes.

If I see skin,

Go change your clothes.

 

I’m working to move past this mentality (catchy as it may be) but let’s see if we can maybe, just maybe, meet in the middle somewhere. 

*Note: I know that there are many relationships beyond the binary, hetero mentality that I’ve displayed here but I feel like this could apply in many situations.  I’m writing as a father who is doing the best he can.