I'm not going to church today.

I don’t think I’m going to go to church today.

One simple statement that can be very heavy or incredibly insignificant depending on the circles you run in, your denomination or faith in general or even your country.

For me, it feels significant because my little church is going to be live and in person for the first time today in over 6 months.  There will be people in the seats and a pastor at the pulpit for the first time since the never-ending spring break began.  There will be smiling faces (we assume) and laughter and probably some tears for the first time since we all wore parka’s and winter boots to the church.

But I’m not going to be there.  And if you ask me why, I don’t know that I could pinpoint it.

It’s not a matter of not wanting to hear the message; I’m not disenfranchised with the church in any way.

It’s not that I don’t want to see people.  I am desperately missing the community that we have.

It’s not that I’m afraid of Covid.  While I respect the pandemic, and have been more cautious than most, I have no real fear of it entering my church.  I know what they’ve been up to in order to make thing safe and I know the protocols they’ll be following.  In fact, I would feel safer there than most anywhere in public at this point.

Maybe it’s because I long for the way it used to be.  I long for hugs and hand shakes.  I long for deep conversations and singing at the top of my lungs.  I long for a time when I could clear my throat without being looked at as a leper. 

Maybe going to church today and experiencing how things are now is what I’m avoiding.  The dreaded “new normal” is maybe something I’m just not looking to accept yet.  My church is my safe space and although my father used to tell me “the only constant is change”, I don’t want this to…not like this.

Since I started back on this faith journey nearly five years back, I can count on one hand the number of times I missed church without there being a sickness or travel involved.  Even then, I would listen online to the sermon after so that I was in the loop.  So, I’m allowed to miss a week here and there without the world coming to an end, aren’t I?  Shouldn’t I extend myself some of the grace I tell people about?  Practice what I preach? 

Instead it feels off.  It feels like I’m missing out or supposed to be doing something.  One might argue that it’s the Spirit pushing me to services while others would argue that it’s irrational guilt that I just need to reconcile in my own head. 

Now, I could also give you the list of everything we’ve got going on but it’s no different than what many are facing.  Back to school while still working from home.  New rules daily in both the school and the office and praying that things work out and everyone stays healthy.

In the end though, here I sit.  I’ve got a coffee on my desk, my wife by my side and I’m writing to you all. 

I’ll probably be there in Row 7 next week and for many weeks to come but I’m going to skip church today…and that’s OK.