Curiosity and Judgement

 

Curiosity and judgement make poor roommates.  These were the words of Jared Byas this past week on the Can I Say This At Church podcast.  I don’t know why these words hit me the way they did as it wasn’t necessarily a theme to the whole show but something about it caused me to make a mental note and to double back to it.

If you haven’t listened to the show, you should stop reading now and go the link I included above.  Jared was on to talk about he concepts behind his new book Love Matters More.  When asked what is the first step to begin practicing and showing love to someone whom you are diametrically opposed with in one form or another, Jared responded with curiosity and then continued to the quote above.

I’ve been stewing on this and while I may take it in a different direction than he may have, it’s starting to make more sense to me.

I think that this statement can be applied to everyone we meet and can easily become a life mantra.

As a child, I was often told by my parents “the good Lord gave you two ears and only one mouth; you’re supposed to listen twice as much as you talk!”  During those teenage years I’m sure that I am guilty of more than a few eye rolls at that statement as I thought it was just another catchy phrase that parents would spit out that didn’t really mean anything.

Fast forward 25 or so years and I’ve found myself saying the exact same thing to my kids.  Literally, word for word exact same thing.  But when I say it to them it seems different.  It makes sense.  Could they have been right all along or is my situation more unique?  Spoiler Alert…they were right.

As young professional, this concept came up again.  While true sales training was hard to come by I looked to mentors to learn how to sell. 

We’ve all had a sales person who can rhyme off ever specification about a product and how it does better or worse than another one, but when given an option is that the person you buy from?  Given the option wouldn’t you rather buy from the person who takes an interest in you and your needs.  The person who is less worried about making a sale and more worried about understanding their customer.

The early advice I got was similar to the advice my parents gave me.  Listen to the customer and understand what they want.  Does your widget suit a need for them right now or not?  If the answer was no, I didn’t push it.  I was great at selling products to people that needed them.  Sometimes it took a bit of convincing to show them the need but it was never motivated by greed or malice.  I genuinely believed that what I was selling (at the time, Lighting and Industrial Supplies) was something they needed and would help them to operate more profitably.  When I got to the point that I could see some of the greed being a motivating factor, I changed roles to a new company.  I didn’t like what that motivation was doing to me. 

Just as with the message with my parents and my children, the sales lesson was based around curiosity vs. judgment.  By actually listening to my parents or clients, I could understand what they wanted.  Listening to understand rather than listening to answer or judge are two very different concepts.  Perhaps I need to take my own advice with my kids more often to hear what they have to say as well.

So that’s cool…a neat little page about how you should listen to your parents and not try to bully customers; way to go Mike (*pats self on back). 

Could this concept be applied elsewhere?

Of course, it can and it absolutely should. 

Everyone we meet, whether we admit it or not, we make a snap judgement on.  This probably has an anthropological root and I’m happy to read more on it if someone wants to send me a link or a book.

I would guess that I comes from thousands of years of human evolution where we had to decide if someone was safe or dangerous.  Whether we admit it or not, I think we all judge based on gender, race, dress, demeanour, location, time of day, weather, etc.  These things are done in seconds in our brain and we create an image of this person without ever having spoken to them.  How often are those correct though?  How often is that snap judgement that you made an accurate portrayal of the person in general? 

That homeless guy on the corner; obviously he made some bad life choices to put him there, right?  If he’s taking drugs its because he chose to and wants to live this way.  When you have a conversation, you may find out he was a star athlete who blew out a knee and was prescribed pain medication that quickly led to addiction.  When the prescriptions ran out he went searching for what his body had developed a need for. 

What about the prostitute downtown each night?  She must be an immoral person who chose this line of work right?  You may never know her whole story but maybe she was kicked out of her house at 16 and forced to live on the street.  Maybe she’s found protection in these streets but secretly dreams of becoming a doctor or an accountant.  

The Bully in the school yard?  Oftentimes they’re being abused at home or have witnessed abuse and see it as a way to show love.  They literally don’t know any better.

That super Alpha Male guy from your high school or college days that just had to be the best at everything?  What if his best has never been good enough and he’s perpetually trying to prove himself to his own parents.

It’s not always negative though.  What about that woman at church with her hands in the air and saying Amen every few seconds; what’s her deal?  Well maybe this is how she feels close to God and damned if anyone else is watching.

Or that new guy at work that seems to follow you everywhere and copy you.  Maybe you’re a mentor to him and he is trying to emulate what he sees as successful actions. 

My point here is that the snap judgments we all make are rarely helpful. 

The reason curiosity and judgment make bad roommates, as pointed out by Byas, is that if you’re genuinely curious about someone, it’s very difficult to be judgmental. 

You don’t know everyone’s story and if you take the time to listen to and learn about someone who you would have previously looked down on, I bet you’ll find out that we’re all not so different after all.