Every unrealistic expectation is a resentment waiting to happen

“Every unrealistic expectation is a resentment waiting to happen” Father Richard Rohr

 

I’ve been sitting with this quote for a couple days now and it’s really getting to me. 

A search through the world wide web taught me that this is not a new quote by any means and it’s one that has been affecting people for quite some time.  I found references on Reddit, Facebook, in memes and even Pinterest of all places.  I suppose I should keep digging to find it printed somewhere with a kitten who’s scowling for some reason.

With that being said, it was new to me and it’s hit me like a ton of bricks.

This is a statement that can be applied to virtually every relationship in one’s life.  I’ll list a few here but think about it.  Take any person that you deal with regularly and apply this to see if it could be true.

Let’s start close to home.  As kids, we think our parents are superheroes.  What about that one Christmas where you really wanted that new bike or game console or doll house but on Christmas morning it wasn’t there?  You enjoyed Christmas and you were happy but you weren’t happy.  As I write this I see the privilege of the life I’ve been able to live coming out.  There are many that gifts were just not an option for others because the money wasn’t there.  But they still compared themselves to their peers and they were sure that this was the year…this year it would happen.  When there is nothing there, the resentment creeps in.  Before my inbox blows up, I understand that the relationship with one’s parents goes way beyond gifts; this was merely an example.

What about your spouse?  Have you ever had unrealistic expectations with your spouse that led to resentment?  I know I have and I think she has with me as well.  One of the ways I’ve found to mitigate this (though I don’t apply it as often as I should) is to remember the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman (learn more here).  Here I learned that the things I look for as a sign of affection aren’t necessarily how my wife would show affection and as a result, resentment can creep in.  Vice versa, things that she looks for to feel loved aren’t the ways I’ve historically shown love and again resentment can creep in.  Spousal relationships are one of the most difficult relationships you may ever have to navigate so understanding what you’re expecting and whether that is a realistic expectation is vital.

Would this play a role with my kids too?  Absolutely!  If quarantine has taught us nothing it’s that our children have very different expectations than we do.  If you’re lucky enough to have been able to work from home like we have, that’s great, the financial impact of quarantine hasn’t been as great.  Be honest though, all of us started with a schedule at the beginning of lockdown.  Our kids would do homework this hour and house work this hour.  They’d be up every morning early and they’d be excited to help around the house while learning new cooking skills.  Through all this time, they wouldn’t interrupt Mom or Dad on video calls and they would be self sufficient.  All in all, this could be a utopian opportunity.  How has that worked out?  Did you make it past week two of your well thought out and fair schedule?  Were your kids super engaged in school and helping the family?  Did that lead to any resentment?  Just a little?  What about the wonder parents on Facebook that seemed to be able to pull all of this off based on their single post per day?  Your kids are just as good as their kids so they should be the same, right? 

Conversely (and a continuation from my first thought), what about how your kids have felt through this.  Look at quarantine through the eyes of an 8 or 9-year-old child. 

I get to stay home with Mom and Dad for the rest of the year!  They’ll do some work sure, but they’ll be right here to watch TV and play games and help with homework.  They won’t even be tired because they don’t have to drive anywhere…this is going to be great!

As a parent, you may have desperately wanted this to be the case but how did it work out?  You ended up on video calls all day long.  You spent more time at the “office” because it was right there and there was just that one thing that you wanted to finish up.  All the while, your child who was expecting to have the best time ever, was basically being ignored because you had a job to do.  Was there resentment there from your child?  Even if they didn’t know how to express it, I bet there was.  I’m fortunate in my scheduling and could book in a half our every so often to work on homework or watch a show or just go out on the swing.  I’m ridiculously far from the perfect parent but if there’s one thing I want my kids to remember after this is all over is that Mommy and Daddy tried.

Extended family can also be a major pain point in this area.  Sure, Grandma is a little old fashioned but she’d never deny me or the person I love.  Uncle Joey has been known to take it too far, but he’d never drink too much on my wedding day.  I know that those kids are going to make fun of me but my cousin Jenny will stick up for me for sure.  Deep down, we often know our expectations aren’t realistic, but we convince ourselves anyway and it leads to pain.

Unrealistic expectations don’t end with family though.  As I stated before I believe that they affect every single relationship in your life. 

Did you ever have a teacher that had made up their mind about you before you met them?  You had an older sibling or cousin that was a star student but you were just average.  That put you behind the curve before you ever had a chance.

Has your boss ever let you down?  Have you ever let your boss down?  Working to set realistic expectations in the workplace is the only way that a successful relationship can flourish which in turn is better for the overall production of your job.

What about your pastors and church leaders?  In most cases, they have a past.  They have things about them that aren’t perfect.  Sometimes they may even have different opinions to you.  When you have the expectation that everyone agrees with you, you tend to feel resentment when you find out that they don’t.

I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface on this and I’m going to have to spend some time taking note of all the unrealistic expectations I have in my life; I may keep that one for myself.

What about you?  Do you have any expectations from people that you know just aren’t true?  Have you ever built up a belief system and expectations about a person or situation that resulted in feelings of resentment?  I don’t need to hear about it, that’s for you.  But I do invite you to examine yourself and the instances where you truly resented another person; was it all on them or did your expectations play a role in how you felt?