For some reason, this idea has been weighing on me lately and I had to get it out. This is something that is sure to offend many Christians, Muslims, Jews and many other faith traditions as well.
The Christian tradition is where I’m coming from so when I speak of the church or teachings, that is the lens that I’ll be using.
I know for most conservative Christians the biggest issue would be pro-choice vs. pro-life and to be honest, that’s another blog and a lifetime of thought and processing. It’s been called the shiny red button issue that is often brought up in political debates and probably will be for many years to come.
I think however that one of the more underground hot topics in the Christian church would be the idea of living together outside of the covenant of marriage. It’s one that people try not to talk about or is just assumed or explained away but it is becoming more prevalent and I wanted to find out why.
When researching this topic, I found a whole lot of information on why God doesn’t want you to live together and why it puts the women down and gives the men the upper hand. It’s a lot of conjecture without anything to back it up. I was looking for the part in the Sermon on the Mount that I missed where Jesus says, “blessed are those who live in separate apartments until they get married”; I haven’t found that verse yet. What I have found thus far is that actually living together is not necessarily the problem, it’s the “sexual immorality” that goes along with it. Depending on your denomination and upbringing, sexual immorality can be anything as much as promiscuity and pre-marital sex to something as simple as dancing or holding hands.
While most will agree there is nothing wrong with dancing, holding hands or the ever-dreaded kissing amongst non-married individuals, the agreement levels change drastically when we come to the other end of the spectrum. Again, I think the pre-marital sex topic is something in and of itself and not something I can fully explore here.
Regardless of your stance on the “immorality” on it, there has been a great deal of research dedicated to cohabitation before marriage. Studies from the early 90’s showed that:
“couples who cohabited before marriage reported lower quality marriages, lower commitment to the institution of marriage, more individualistic views of marriage…and greater likelihood of divorce than couples who did not cohabit”1
One would have to agree that is pretty damning to the cohabitation camp and lends credence to the crude saying of “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”
The studies did not end there though. More work has been done since and the results seem to skew the other way. A particular focus has been to look at couples from the mid 90’s and beyond as they may be seen as a more representative group of society today rather than studying cohabitation during a time when it was not the norm. Based on this premise and some earlier work done in Europe a 2012 study concluded:
“Our work shows that, since the mid-1990’s, whether men or women cohabited with their spouse prior to marriage is not related to marital stability…our results suggest a reduced effect of cohabitation on marriage instability, as cohabitation prior to marriage becomes widespread.”2
So there you have it; living together before marriage clearly is linked to a higher divorce rate and also its not an indicator at all. So we’re clear right?
So as a Christian man who’s raising two daughters, it seems like my position should be a given on this. As Beyoncé says (though I could be paraphrasing), “if I you like it then you better put a ring on it!” But I just don’t think it’s that simple. I don’t know if I’ll feel the same in 20 years or even 5 or 10 but right now let me say:
I have absolutely no problem with a couple living together outside of marriage when they are in a committed relationship.
There I said it. I don’t see any gathering clouds or lightning coming my way so I guess I’ll continue.
When I say moving in together, I will use myself as a model. I lived with my wife for more than 18 months before we got married (…and the clouds start to roll in…).
I wouldn’t change this experience for the world. I had already been living alone and she was able to find work a week out of school that was close to my apartment. At the time, I already knew I was going to propose even though it took another 6 months for that to happen. Regardless of that, I had been with her for two years and I was committed to this woman. Being a very binary person at the time, there was no financial argument that could be made to have us live separately. Add to that we were each other’s best friend and both living in a relatively new city for us. It just made sense.
I’ve been told that we were a special case but I would argue that everyone is a special case in their own right. According to Pew Research, more than 85% of Americans believe it’s acceptable to live together outside of marriage and nearly half of those polled said society was just as well off if couples stayed together but never got married3.
So what are you going to do if your daughter wants to move in with someone without being married? Well, I will ask my daughter to bring their friend to dinner. I will have a conversation with him or her and understand just how committed they are to my daughter and depending on age, I will ultimately have to resign myself to the fact that it’s not my decision anyway.
I understand that the Christian ideal is to stand apart and provide the way. The “Christian Way” is something that has been evolving for 2000 years and will continue to evolve long after these words are gone. When one looks at the idea of a committed couple living together before marriage, I will paraphrase Brandan Robertson (seriously look him up, his work will blow your mind) and say, if your theology doesn’t line up with your reality, perhaps your theology is what needs to change.
I honestly feel that you can be a devoted follower of Jesus and still “live in sin” according to the classic definition.
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