Pride, Guilt, Shame and other easy feelings.

This past week, I had the opportunity to get away with my family to a cottage on a lake. 

Before I go too far, it should be noted that I’ve still got the mentality that if I’m going to sleep somewhere that isn’t my bed, it should be better than my bed, so I wasn’t exactly roughing it.  We’re talking WiFi, satellite TV, AC, separate bedrooms for everyone, it’s a dream to visit there.

This vacation was a much-needed release from all of us being cooped up in a house for 6 months.  For my wife, her first visit to a store since there was snow on the ground was to get drinks for the week.  We planned great meals, we played games, had naps, read books and we explored a little as well. 

The week was not without it’s issues.  It rained a couple of days and it was windy.  We experienced a death in the family while we were away which was hard.  I also had to take a trip to the ER as one daughter found a mussel shell with her foot but luckily, I’m told the doctor was cute.

If I’m being honest though, I think the one thing from this week that I want to remember is the look on my daughters faces as I reeled in a couple of nice fish from the dock.  It was a combination of admiration and pride.  For a brief moment, I felt like Superman.

My kids don’t put me on a pedestal I don’t believe and they’ve seen and understand my faults.  I can be short tempered, I can be distant and I’ve been known to have an addictive personality over the years.

In this moment however, I don’t think they saw any of that.  They saw superhero dad that could do anything.  They saw a man who could do anything.  They saw their DAD!  In that moment, I was the dad I’ve always wanted to be.  They took pictures.  They ran to tell my wife what she had missed.  I was on top of the world.

These fish weren’t going to pictured in any magazines or win me any trophies but they were massive compared to what we had been reeling in so I was seen as the master of the fish; even if only for a moment.

Now it’s confession time.

I loved it.

I loved being seen as something more than just a man.  Something more than just their dad who always told them no.  Something more than some guy with a fishing pole.

I loved being put on that pedestal and being seen as super human.

Since that day however, I’ve been conflicted about that feeling.  Am I supposed to like this feeling?  The feeling of being elevated or better is not something we’re supposed to crave.

This has gotten me to thinking beyond this past week and how my kids have looked at me.  It got me to thinking more about my own pride and other things I’ve done over the course of my life and what my motives were. 

No matter what I’ve done, I’ve always been able to reconcile that I had genuine motives behind it.  It wasn’t for accolades, it was simply the right thing to do and sometimes accolades come from that.  That’s not my fault, right?  That doesn’t mean I’m doing it to be seen.  

 In my heart though, I want people to know.  I want people to see the good I’ve done.  How do I shake that?  How do I learn to just do good things and be happier when people don’t know it was me?

There is a bible verse about those that preach in the street vs. those who pray in private.  A while back I promised I wouldn’t bombard you with scripture (because I’m not great with it to begin with) so you can look it up yourself.  But it leads me into a new direction regarding how I feel.

Guilt.

Shame.

I hesitate to use these words if I’m being honest.  These are very heavy words that carry with them a lot of baggage.  Who am I to use them over things like this?  But that doesn’t change how I feel.

I feel guilty for enjoying that Superman feeling.  I feel ashamed of myself for seeking it out. 

But at the same time, I want my daughters to remember the feeling they had when they saw the big fish come out of the water.  I want them to remember that their dad could do anything and that even if for a moment, their dad was worthy of the pedestal.

I don’t know that this has been the Christian blog that you may have been searching for when you clicked on this or if it’s turned into more of a personal journal entry for me but either way I’m glad you're here. 

How do you reconcile and battle with this feeling?  Am I the only one?